Euphoria has always been a state of mind that I should take caution with. It was that state of mind that led me to do a irrational things that eventually led to those two psychotic breaks. Mostly I found it through my accomplishments which led to celebration. I found euphoria through drugs and buying expensive things. This euphoria was unhealthy, cloudy, and led me down the wrong path.

Now I feel it again but without the drugs and while living on Social Security and living within my means. This time around it is healthy. Should I be worried that another manic episode is in my near future? No, because I have a better sense of judgment and my mind is clearer than it has ever been in my entire life. I know the warning signs of a manic episode. If they were apparent right now I would be on the phone with my psychiatrist. Jesus Helbling is not coming back my friends. I am doing everything in my power to prevent that from happening.

My life is finally unfolding in the right direction because I am doing things now that only help myself move forward. I have learned so many lessons in my life about how you can move backwards and now I am able to avoid taking those “steps” back. Sure, there are still mistake to be made but I am not going to mess up like I did before.

So what does it feel like to live in a state of euphoria now that is not fueled by drugs or spending? I just feel at peace with myself. I take great pride in being able to represent those that have lost their mind, their body, or both. I want those people to feel how I am feeling right now because I know how it feels when you are not in control.

Life can be overwhelming at times and being happy all the time is not always sustainable. Some people do not understand how I keep a smile on my face. Maybe it can make you feel worse that I can be happy in my situation while someone else living a “normal” life can constantly get down on themselves. The reason that I am so content and so happy is just because I have been to where I wanted to give up and die and I felt helpless both physically and mentally. I have been worse off and I promised myself never to go back there. I should be dead so of course there is a reason that I’m still here. I have found that true joy comes through helping others and not through helping yourself.

For myself I feel that being happy all the time can be sustainable as long as I continue to always try to do the right thing. There are going to be events in my life that I have to prepare myself for like a death in the family, but I cannot sit and worry about those things happening.

We are meant to smile and enjoy life. We are meant to live in a state of euphoria. We do live in a very pressuring society but we cannot let that hold us back. We need to be thankful for everything that we have. For every breath that we take or even every step. I am going to do everything in my power to try and live a sustainable happy life.


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