My mind. Had it, lost it, got it back, lost it again, and finally it’s back again. What’s it like to lose your mind? Honestly I was happy, euphoric, and higher than any drug could ever get you. The only thing that frustrated me was that no one believed that I was Jesus Christ. But I felt like I knew everything. I could turn anything into a sign from the lyrics of a song to the title of a book. I felt like God was directing me through these signs and I thought that by following the signs I would be the leader of the new world. It was up to me to bring world peace. To do that I was just to show everyone how to party and how to live life. But I couldn’t perform miracles. I cannot even heal myself. So eventually through medication and by learning that I could not do the things that I thought I was set out to do the signs went away.
I truly enjoyed thinking that I was Jesus but I was driving my family to tears. Not only did they think that I lost my body but they also thought that I lost my mind forever. I need my medications to keep myself sane. So if you’re reading this and you have bipolar disorder and you’re thinking about going off your medication just look at the consequences of my decisions. It only took five days without medications for me to lose my mind once again. Don’t be embarrassed that you have to swallow a bunch of pills every day to keep yourself sane. Monitor your thoughts and if you feel like you’re going into a manic episode tell someone.
The mind is incredibly fragile and incredibly powerful. So protect it and stay on your medications and stay away from self-medicating. I’ll be honest and come right out and say that marijuana was one of my favorite things to do. But if you have a mental health issue it can lead to psychosis. I was lucky to make it through two psychotic breaks but one psychotic break is enough to make you lose your mind forever.
Lost my body. Did over 1000 hours of physical therapy and never got it back. Now losing your body is much scarier than losing your mind. Facing the fact that you have lost your independence for the rest of your life and you no longer can do all of the physical things that you once loved so much.
The passions before my accident were mostly physical. Waterskiing was obviously my greatest passion. I would’ve thought that if you took that away from me I would be left with nothing. But that’s where my mind stepped in. You must realize that your mind is much more powerful than your body. Your mind controls your body. So all that time that I spent staring at my waterski or my boat in the garage crying was all because I had let my mind go. I had to learn how to say goodbye and focus my mind on other things that I could still do. I had to find new passions that would take my mind off of waterskiing. I realized that I accomplished more in the sport than I could ever dream. The last time I ever skied was when we won nationals and that was the perfect ending to that chapter in my life.
So today I have accepted that I will no longer do it again and I’ve moved on. I will try disabled waterskiing but I know that it will not be the same. I can honestly say today that I do not even think about it. When I do think about it I am just proud of all that I accomplished. I said goodbye to all of the physical things that I once loved and I moved on.
I’m sure some of you doubt that when I say that I am happier than ever that it is really true. But I can say with all honesty that I am. I’m so excited about my future and I know that I will succeed. The worst is behind me and everyday life gets better and better. I sometimes look back at the picture of me in the ICU and realize how far I have come. I have truly been through hell and back. Through all of this I have become much closer to my family and I have realized who my true friends are. I only surround myself with good people and those that believe in me. I have met so many amazing people since my accident that are supportive of what I am trying to accomplish. So many people believe in me which helps me to believe in myself.
When I look in the mirror today I see the person from before the accident but better. A changed person who now understands what is truly important in life and has a real plan for his future. I believe that I can be loved and that I will be in a relationship and get married one day. I can still have kids and I feel that I will do a great job raising them. My confidence is at an all-time high and I cannot wipe the smile off my face.
I want to let you know that I’ve read the hundreds of comments that you have left me after reading my blog. I truly appreciate them and they keep me writing. The support that I have had on Facebook has been incredible since day one. I’m sure that a lot of you thought that in the beginning my life was ruined. You probably questioned God for what happened to me. But today I thank him for giving me a life with more opportunity than I could ever imagine.
Everything happens for a reason and I have found why everything happened to me. I cannot imagine life any differently now. If you’re reading this and you’re at rock bottom right now remember that things can only get better. Take back control of your mind because once you lose it you have lost everything. I believe in the power of positive thinking. The more you believe in something the closer you will become to achieving it. So focus on your dreams or create a new one
and actively pursue them each day.
Don’t be afraid to find me on Facebook and add me as a friend. I respond to everyone and I will try to make sense of your situation if you are struggling with something.
They say that a spinal cord injury is the most traumatic thing someone can go through in life. Well I’ve been through that and I fight against it every day and I’m winning. I also know what it’s like to lose your mind and to be able to get it back. I know what it’s like to be addicted to drugs. In my life I’ve had so many eye-opening experiences. So if you need help with anything please contact me and ask. I promise that I will get back to you!
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