This post is from my book that I am working on titled ‘Well… I Guess I’m Not Jesus.’ This is the 1st time I have shared anything from my book with you. In 2008 I was admitted into the psych ward and eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was suffering from a manic episode and delusions of grandeur. I was completely convinced that I was the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ. This is just one story from my 2 1/2 week stay at Akron General. There is much more to the story but I just wanted to give you a taste of how I was thinking during this time.
It had been a week since I had seen the outdoors. I was officially on lockdown and it did not take long until it was all I could focus on there. There was a doctor’s order that said I could not leave until he approved it. I could not simply check myself out. It was like a prison. Goal number 1 was always to get out of there. That was the goal of everyone in there. So many times I would catch other people just sitting by the window staring outside for hours. It was a sad thing to see. I had no idea how long I was going to be there. It was all part of a bigger secret that I was not supposed to know yet. At least that is what I thought.
Every day I was waiting for that big day. The day the entire world got to meet me. I just knew that I was far from ready. I knew it was not as simple as just walking outside. There was something that I was supposed to do but I could not figure it out. I spent every minute of every day searching for some type of sign. Some sign that meant I was getting out of there. I would find myself flipping through magazines pages coming across BMW ads and start dreaming up an ending. I thought at one time that the BMW would be mine someday. It was just waiting for me. Christmas was the day I was waiting for. It had to be Christmas. Then i would have everything i could ever dream of.
I spent each day waiting for something significant to happen. Day after day went by and nothing ever happened. The helicopter pad was right outside of my window in the lobby area and every time it flew by I prayed it was coming for me. I was going to fly away and down below there were going to be millions of people all over the streets. They had been watching patiently each day on television. I knew that I was being taped. Maybe for even my entire life just like the movie ‘The Truman Show.’ Everyone was watching the second coming of Jesus Christ and they were waiting to meet their prophet.
I thought the cameras were everywhere. The people and the doctors were all actors. My family and friends were playing one huge trick on me. I knew we would all share a laugh about it later. The trick just started to wear on me as time went on. I started to become furious. I wanted answers as to why they had locked me up in the psych ward even though the answers were so obvious. I refused to believe that drugs were the reason that I ended up there. I refused to believe I had a problem. I just thought that I had to wait.
As time went by I started to grow angrier about the situation. No one would ever believe me when I told them that I was Jesus Christ. I thought I was supposed to wait to find out for sure. The psych ward was my training ground and until I proved myself ready I had no chance of getting out. I started to wander the halls and look around for different ways to escape. I had to get out of there and I was tired of waiting.
I checked every single window on the entire floor. I peeked into all of the other patient’s rooms and looked for windows and doors to get out of. I could not find anything so I thought of a new plan. The only way to get out of there was to get the keys. These were not prison guards that were holding us down these were just nurses. They were mostly female middle-aged nurses with the occasional janitor coming through. I knew the hospital had cameras and that security was most definitely watching. I even thought that the whole world was watching but since I was Jesus Christ I really had nothing to lose. All they would do was just throw me back in the psych ward.
I sat at a table near the kitchen and looked around at all of the nurses. They were all just minding their own business walking throughout the floor. To my relief their keys were clipped directly to their belt loop. They were just hanging there and all I had to do was grab them. But how was I going to unclip the keys? I did not care at this point. Then a nurse came by to put away some food in the fridge which was locked up. She grabbed her keys and as soon as she went for them I ran towards her and tried to grab her keys. She saw me at the last second and quickly saw what I was going for. She put her keys away and ran back to the nurses station.
I was frustrated that this attempt did not work as planned. Out of my frustration I tried to run up and grab the keys from another nurse. She saw me coming towards her and quickly ran into the nurses office. They figured that I was trying to escape. They pulled an alarm and all of a sudden the entire staff was after me. I looked down the hallway and saw a janitor walking out the door. I ran down the hallway as fast as I could to try and grab the door before it closed. I was too late. I knew that I was screwed.
I turned around and to my surprise this monster of a lady was there ready to set me straight.
“I have 2 sons that are about 3 times your size and I can take them both to the ground. I’m not going to have any problem with you!” the incredibly intimidating black lady yelled at me.
I just tried to laugh it off and run away. This was not a smart move. Pretty soon the entire staff was dragging me to their room. Or maybe it was just that one lady and they all followed? Anyways, I was carried to the room and thrown on my bed. I was out of control. They had reason to treat me this way. I admit it.
I looked at the windows and knew what I had to do. It happened to be that I planned to throw a fit. I basically went crazy because I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know why I was here and why this was all happening to me. I was feeling 1,000 emotions at once and I did not know what to do with myself.
On to the next thing that ran through my head. I looked over at the window and thought about the fact that the metal suicide proof window screens looked very familiar. They were just like the ones at the dorm at Ohio State. When I was a freshman I would walk back from the commons where we would eat lunch and dinner. They had fruit by the door where you would walk out so we would load up on fruit. It was all you can eat so I guess that was okay. My roommate and I would grab a whole bunch of fruit and throw it at the metal screens on the windows when we walked back to our dorm sending it flying back. So when I looked at the screen in the psych ward I immediately wanted to throw something at it. Next thing I knew I found myself throwing the heavy wood desk chair across the room at the metal screen. I threw it so hard that it bounced all the way back to me. The lady that took me down earlier was still in the room. Not a good idea.
The next thing I knew I was pinned to the bed and the the rest of the staff came rushing in. They pulled my pants down and a nurse pulled out a giant needle. It just so happened that that giant hypodermic needle was heading right for my ass! I knew it was coming and right when they were about to jam it into my butt cheek I cried out, “rape!” I then sat there yelling, “why would you put that in my ass? It hurts!” I thought the television viewers would get a laugh out of this one. Maybe I wasn’t setting the best example for the kids, but Jesus saying that would be pretty funny to me.
The fun did not end there. Big Bertha ended up dragging me down the hall to the isolation room. At this point I knew that I really screwed up. Out of the entire psych ward I was the craziest. I won for that day. Bertha threw me in the room and told me to behave myself. I really had no choice because the drugs were knocking me out.
I woke up to what I think was a few hours later. In the psych ward you really have no concept of time. You have no idea what day it is and you have no idea what is going on in the outside world. You are totally disconnected from the outside world and for good reason. It’s too crazy and you are not ready for it. That is why they have you locked up.
When I woke up I walked around the room and tried to find a way out. The room was set up with a big wooden crate the size of a coffin in the center of the room. It looked like a manger for grown up Jesus. There was a mattress pad on top of it. I immediately tore the mattress off the box. Underneath the mattress there were some handles so I started to pull on them. I thought that there was going to be a hole under the box with stairs to get me the hell out of there. I pulled as hard as I possibly could until I realized it was not going anywhere. It was then that I heard someone tapping on the door. It was the lady from earlier that carried me there. She was telling me to behave myself. I sat down once I realized that there was no way out of there. I had nothing to do. The walls had no windows and the entire room was painted white. No pads or anything like you see in the movies. The only window was a small window on the door that the guard looked through. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. I did not know how long they planned on keeping me there.
I sat on the bed for a while thinking about what was going on. Without a magazine or a window to look out of there were no signs. There was nothing for me to go by. It gave me a little time to think about the entire situation. I finally started to realize that if I wanted to get out of there I had to behave myself. That was the golden rule.
I sat there for a few hours until I was able to convince the lady guarding the door that I was ready to behave myself. So she made me a deal. She was going to let me go back to my room and go to sleep if I gave her my clothes. I had to earn my clothes back. For the next few days I had to wear a hospital gown with only my boxers underneath. It took me 3 days to earn them back and it was 3 days of hard work.