This is a letter that I wrote to my mom a few days before entering the psych ward on October 22, 2008. This is only about a fourth of the letter. I include this to show you how excessive drug use was part of my manic episode. A few days earlier I wrote a letter to my family that was an absolute lie where I explained how everything was going so well. This is where I broke down and realized that I had to be honest and that I needed help.
I only sent this to you for now. I will leave it up to you for who you should share this with. I’d like for Aaron, dad, Mike, and anyone else that you know who has really been worried about me. Please only share it with dad and Aaron for now. I need time to be able to talk and now I need to get caught up with school. I will talk to you tomorrow.
I love you more than you can ever imagine. Please tell dad that I love him too. Please don’t be scared of the 1st half. Just keep on reading. Trust me. Don’t call me at any point. Just read it. Call me tomorrow.
To my true friends and family,
If you’re reading this letter please do not share this with anyone. You are only reading this letter because I trust you and love you. Please. This was only these past few weeks. I know that I previously had a smoking problem but I do not want this part of my life to be heard by anyone. Only a few of my close friends know the entire story.
I have obviously not been myself these last few weeks. I actually can say that I have not been myself since the end of freshman year. In the last few days I finally realized that I have a problem. But honestly, I have changed back into the person than I was freshman year.
These last few weeks have not involved just weed. It all started when I got a sinus infection and a terrible cough. I went to the doctor and was prescribed a bottle of codeine. I never have abused or used any drugs besides marijuana before this. I planned on keeping it that way. Well a friend was at my place who loves codeine. I actually used to list this drug as an allergy but this time I thought it would be nice to try it. We took a little more than the prescribed dose and honestly I felt great, too good. The next day we still had half the bottle left. I was incredibly sick, and was going to sit at home regardless, so why not? We finished the bottle. By taking more I felt even better than the 1st time. Codeine, as I found out, is very addictive. I found myself calling the doctor and explaining to her that I spilled a bottle and wondered if there was anything she could do. She refilled it…
This time around it was exciting. Yes! More codeine! My friend told me that if you soak blunts in codeine you feel even better. Well since we were smoking anyways, why would it hurt to try? They say that marijuana is only addictive amongst 8 to 9% of its users (I am one of them). When you start dipping your blunts in codeine it becomes 100% addictive. We then took the rest of the codeine and mixed it with a 20 ounce bottle of Sprite and Jolly ranchers. Drinking what a rapper would call purple drink.
So, it didn’t end there. The feeling I had was able to block out reality. I told my teachers that my sinus infection was actually pneumonia. It worked with all of them. They told me to take as much time as possible to rest and get better. Every teacher was willing to allow me to make up all my work later. Some even just said forget about it and made my 1st day of school this past Monday.
So here’s what happened. I knew that I could not get any more codeine. The doctor told me before that she could only allow one refill. I eventually found access to my friends muscle relaxers which are also addicting. Another time it was Vicodin. One time Percocet. Even on the houseboat trip I found access to Vicodin. That is why I didn’t hesitate to go to the hospital with my friend when he sprained his ankle so that I could get access to his pills. Even after that were off I was able to find some from someone on the trip.
When I came back from a trip I was still not ready to go back to class. I had to play out the pneumonia card in sit at home.
So, what’s next? Another friend started staying with me he was definitely into smoking and drugs. That 1st night I ended up tripping on acid. Something that I, as my normal self, even as my normal high self, would never try. I was deathly afraid of it before. But being in a different state of mind I was willing to give it a try. In acid trip, as I found out last 12 hours, and is the most ridiculous thing ever. In that 12 hours we smoked a quarter pound of weed. Honestly I enjoyed it too much. I thought that I solved the mystery of life. The next day when I woke up, which was probably right before dark, I felt better than I had ever felt in my life. So what now? More smoking… And smoking… And smoking…
I continue to search for acid for the next week. I needed to finish everything that I wanted to do while on acid. Like play Grand Theft Auto 4 for example. I never was able to get it. Thank God! But I did find mushrooms a couple of times. One time I even just took them and went to bed. I think that I forgot why I took them.
So here is when everything started to turn around. It’s really kind of crazy. I was out this past weekend and I honestly cannot remember the day. A friend called me up and asked me if I wanted to try cocaine. I would never in my life want to try cocaine. There is only one person in this world that I have ever despised and it was partly because of coke.
When my friend called me I honestly in my head said no way. For some reason I just went over there on my Segway and did it. I really just felt like I was a magnet. I was not excited about it but I wasn’t scared and had no thoughts telling me not to. I just did it. This was my friend so it had to be safe. He’d done it before so why not?
I hated cocaine. I hated the fact that my teeth were numb and I had to constantly smoked Black and Milds because I needed to chew on something and smoke something at the same time. I made a theory that coke led to the success of Black and Milds. I have taken Adderall in the past. I had a prescription last spring quarter which is why I was able to quit smoking for a while. Coke felt very similar to Adderall. I was constantly wanting to do more the only difference was that I constantly was taking shit out of my nose. I did not do an extreme amount because there was not much. I just needed more. Once it ran out it was over. I hated it the entire time I was on it even though I wanted more. Something that addicting is very scary. The next day I had no cravings for coke or anything. It was actually the exact opposite.
For some reason this finally set an alarm off in my mind. What just happened to the last few weeks? I’ve got a big screen TV in my living room. I own a Segway and a MacBook Air. I remember doing these things but I could not tell you on what day. I was so fucked up. I was not Adam. I was not myself. I found out what drugs can do to you. They say marijuana is a gateway drug. Well it took a long time for that door to open but when it opened I had a hard time closing it. I never once tried to get out. My roommates, who I love, could not tell me anything. I always had a reason for why it was okay.
On this day I woke up from a three-week nightmare. I hit rock bottom. I found that was what it took to get me to stop. But that didn’t stop the weed. I still thought that was okay because I’ve smoked it for the past 2 years.
I just stressed out about the whole situation. My mind was still a mess so it was hard for me to process what happened yet. On Sunday I had a midterm the next day. I had not been to class in weeks. I did not even buy my books. This was for Mechanical Engineering 420. A class that you should probably keep up on. I had to find Adderall because I was screwed. I found a 30 mg from a friend. I ended up calling him back and telling him I needed another one just in case. I decided it was a good idea to smoke before I go study. I smoked a ridiculous amount with a group of my good friends. I left and went to my cousins house where I was alone to study.
…letter continues. This is just the beginning. In the rest I come clean about everything.